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“If you know you will perish tomorrow, what will you do now?”

When I was asked this question a couple of days ago, my overwhelming thought was that I had already made peace with this world, and I only needed to say goodbye to my loved ones and wish them all a happy and prosperous life ahead. I barely have any regrets.

It was such a long and tumultuous year, and so many things happened in my life; I felt as if I had speed-run a mini mid-life crisis, and I learned much about what it means to be me, myself, and I. It was such a long dream fueled by setbacks from career and family, a struggle to find the meaning of life, and perhaps a will to live. In the end, none of this existence mattered; we were all passengers on this one-way train to the void into infinity. No one knows when it started, and no one knows when it will all end.

Isn’t it funny how each and every interaction we make affects us in some way? It is impossible for one to stay truly isolated, yet in my observation, most of the irritations also stem from communications. I have been operating against my own will for far too long, trying my best to appease everyone I meet, avoiding and averting conflicts, mediating between friction points, and ultimately, becoming the façades I wear and no longer being me.

It is the self-doubt that diminished me the most: am I really worthy? Of being loved, of experiencing love? Is it wrong for me to not be physically fit, is it wrong to be gay? AM I ABLE TO FEEL HAPPY AGAIN? CAN I EVEN FEEL HAPPY AGAIN?? I broke down crying on the phone with my mother; I guess all these feelings welled up so much within me for far too long that they had to come out.

I’ve been constantly told that I am fat; in fact, when I visited my hometown last year, an elderly person in the elevator told me to my face: “Young man, you are so fat.” Well, that’s just fucking great; it is so funny and irritating at the same time. I don’t know, I guess all the people constantly reminding me so are concerned about my health, and I 100% agree that I have a lot of issues that could be solved by losing weight, but for once, I hope they shut the fuck up and mind their own business. I am trying my best to get healthy. I noticed that my efforts weren’t working, and I sought alternatives. I am on the right track now, and I just don’t feel like these obvious observations and comments help me in any way.

I also felt shame that I am gay and kinky; or is it the shame that I didn’t and won’t ever meet my parents’ expectations? Why is the world so messy? Why is nothing straightforward? Why does everything have to be hard? Or is it my mind making me think that everything is hard?

I have no illusions that when compared to others, I am one lucky fucking bastard: I have a good job that pays well, I can support myself and my partner with ease, my dearest family members are alive and mostly well, and the list goes on and on. I have nothing but gratefulness for all of my experiences, for they made me who I am today; I am also grateful for all the stuff I own, for they once brought me joy and accompanied me when I needed them. I just wish my mind would shut the fuck up and chill the fuck down, stop whining, and confront the world head-on.

I know I’m a nobody, a speck of dust in the grand, endless universe, and a dim one, too; I still yearn to make a name for myself and the ones I love, and I still want to leave a mark in the silent flow of history. A man can dream quietly, for here I was, and here I existed.